Down on Ferguslie Walk - A Christmas Tale
Every year’s a spectacle
In Paisleys bleakest notch,
Once we saw a testacle
Peeking from Santa’s crotch
His trousers quite well ventilated
Down on Ferguslie walk
In Paisleys bleakest notch,
Once we saw a testacle
Peeking from Santa’s crotch
His trousers quite well ventilated
Down on Ferguslie walk
Once there was a reindeer
Tasseled breasts a swinging
Whilst she stumbled down the road
Christmas carol swinging
I wonder what I’ll see this year
Down on ferguslie walk
Pigeons perched on buzzing lights
Enjoying the vibration
And neighbours wandered on their way
To the pub for their libation
Tasseled breasts a swinging
Whilst she stumbled down the road
Christmas carol swinging
I wonder what I’ll see this year
Down on ferguslie walk
Enjoying the vibration
And neighbours wandered on their way
To the pub for their libation
We heard the sound of scuffling,
a HO HO HO in Paisley-talk
and then the ring of jingle bells
...down on Ferguslie walk
Hamish leapt and ran to see,
We leaned across the shelf,
Out the window, there was Santa!
brawling with an elf!
Mrs Claus was looking on,
Her bosoms overflowed
Her muffin puff was rosy pink
Above her cameltoe
She’d added near her nipples
A pair pair of twinkling lights
And an awkwardly placed Xmas tree
On her roundly jiggling tights
Mrs Claus was looking on,
Her bosoms overflowed
Her muffin puff was rosy pink
Above her cameltoe
She’d added near her nipples
A pair pair of twinkling lights
And an awkwardly placed Xmas tree
On her roundly jiggling tights
Two large dogs were wearing antlers
one, a snowman's smock
Oh the things you see at Christmas
...down on Ferguslie walk
They were really getting into it
the dogs had joined the throng
a bark! a slap!, a rip! a tear!
Santa wears a thong!!!
It was then I saw the bottle of Buckfast
wrapped in a tartan bow
go flying in the air!
and
every..
thing..
went..
slow...
every..
thing..
went..
slow...
The elf leapt left!
Santa right!
Santa right!
The dogs got out of the way!
and down came the Bucky...
down...
down...
came the Bucky
came the Bucky
which shattered in a spray.
A sudden end to the violence,
Santa and the elf both stunned to silence
the dogs looked on in shock
Mrs Claus let out a squawk!
the dogs looked on in shock
Mrs Claus let out a squawk!
...down on Ferguslie walk
Painted in a brilliant purple,
they all then wandered off..
leaving a puddle of Buckfast
...down on Ferguslie walk
In the distance, for a brief spell
We could hear the Mrs give holy hell
Scalding pointed ears
And pulling sticky beards
Then all was calm,
this silent night
this silent night
(Except the buzzing of the lights)
to enjoy some Buckfast Christmas cheer
...down on Ferguslie walk!
December 2011
