Turkey Attack!

And the painful poetry continues with yet another Christmas Saga:

 Turkey Attack

The day that the turkey

Attacked us at dinner

Came in an ordinary

Christmassy winter

Grandma had taken

The plates to the table

Dad had been fixing

A leg that’s unstable

He folded a napkin

And stuffed it beneath

The wobbly leg

With a bow from the wreath

My young cousin Annie

All dressed up in lace

Was kicking poor Fanny

As she tried to say Grace

She said “bless this turkey

And pies in the oven”

And then there was a shudder

And all of a sudden

The turkey rolled over

Dad checked the table

But found when he looked

The leg was quite stable

The turkey was moving!

There wasn’t a doubt!

It climbed from the plate

And stumbled about!

Big chunks of stuffing

were flying around

that were eagerly grabbed

By the dog off the ground

Fanny was howling

Mom all a flutter

Annie was scowling

As the bird squished the butter

Granddad nearly stabbed Dad in the eye

With a steak knife

While keeping the bird from the pie

Then Grandma stood up

And with a great sigh

She took hold of the bird

By one meaty thigh

It wriggled and jiggled

And put up a fight

But Granny held firm

And to all our delight

She carved up the bird

As it struggled and shook

No match for this

Octogenarian cook

It stilled at last

As she finished the carving

To the relief of us all

For we were quite starving!

So after that day

We moved on to goose

Or ham or a duck

Or even a moose

But never a turkey

They were too messy

And Fanny refused

To say dinner blessings!

-December 18, 2013

An Elf Tale

An Elf Tale

Ecki the elf wasn’t proud of himself

 For the way he’d behaved at the party

He'd caused quite a  fright

Set the curtains alight

Which earned him the new name of “Farty”

He had good intentions

Showing off his inventions

And ideas for many new toys

Dolls that would fart

And toy jets that could start

Would cheer many girls and boys

He learned however

That to put them together

Wasn’t a good thing to do

For the jet engine’s flame

Met the dolly’s methane

And up Santa’s curtains flames flew!

Luckily for all

Santa was called

And to everyone’s great delight

With a nod and a wink and a touch of his nose

The flames were put out for the night!

For unlucky Ecki his night wasn’t over

As a wide path formed in the room

A fierce Mrs Claus came like a bulldozer

Wearing an expression of doom!

She lifted the elf in her giantess paw

And he dangled in front of her face

“Ecki the elf!” boomed the voice of Herself

“Why are you such a disgrace!”

Her face was quite red

Dear lord I am dead!

He knew he was in for it now

She shook him with anger

He shivered from danger

And sweat came to bead on his brow

“Ecki the Elf no toys shall you make”

Shamefully Ecki’s head hung

“your new task for now for all  of our sakes

Is to shovel the reindeer’s dung!”

Some people laughed

Some people mumbled

Santa closed his big eyes and he grumbled

But no one would dare the wrath of the Mrs

Whose anger’s as bad as an ice-demon’s kisses!

Santa had bigger problems to consider

With ever more toys each year to deliver

The sleigh and the reindeer were getting quite tired

And the just weren’t as fast as Santa desired

But with Mrs Claus’s edict in place

He could at least ease the poor elf’s disgrace.

“But first my wee friend, and this one is certain

There’s one more thing you must do

You’ll make us a brand new set of felt  curtains

Before you start stinking of poo!”

So the very next day

While all were away

Fixing up toys in the shop

Ecki went up to the house made of snow

And yards and metres of felt did he sew

Until the curtains were perfect and shiny and red

And he crawled back into his little elf bed.

In the morning however as he came awake

He sighted a shovel and a dirty old rake

Leaning beside his little elf bed

Ecki rolled over and covered his head

“Best get it done with Farty my friend,

The sooner it starts, the sooner it ends”

Ecki’s igloomate Myrf said with mirth

As he pulled on his coat over un-elf-like girth

So shovelling poop and scraping up dung

Ecki would work until the bell rung

The reindeer would tinkle and jingle along

And Ecki would whistle and sing Christmas songs

Until one fine day when the hoar-frost was high

And Ecki was in reindeer dung to his thigh

when and idea just sparkled and poof bright as day

he suddenly knew how to boost Santa’s sleigh!

So he set off to work with his dollies and jets

And methane and lighters and robotic sets

And come Christmas morning Santa greeted

With a jet-powered sleigh upon which was seated

A tiny wee elf who he knew as “Farty”

Who would come to be known as the little elf “Smarty”!

                                                December 18, 2013

Naughty or Nice.. A Christmas Story.. continues..

 For Love of Antlers

Dave had a soft spot

For Christmas each year

It wasn’t the presents

Or overall cheer

He just took a fancy

To a style of clothing

That he knew many others

Considered with loathing

But there was just something

He couldn’t explain

That had him returning

Again and again

To the Santa Claus Grotto

Day after day

To sit or to stand

Just watching the sleigh

For each time he came

To the mall she was there

He just found it enticing

A guilty delighting

No sense in fighting

He just had to stare

For who could resist

A lady in red

With velvety antlers

Stuck to her head!

              December 24, 2013

Naughty or Nice.. (a Christmas Story)

I am a bad person.

I decided to do hand-made Christmas cards this year, but in the end, they were more like Christmas booklets. Then my printer got offended and opted for censorship-by-strike action, (uptight little *@#$) so I converted it into a slideshow and stuck it here.

I offer no apologies.


May you never look at Santa the same way again!!!

Christmas in Paisley - Down on Ferguslie Walk

Down on Ferguslie Walk - A Christmas Tale

Every year’s a spectacle
In Paisleys bleakest notch,

Once we saw a testacle
Peeking from Santa’s crotch
His trousers quite well ventilated
Down on Ferguslie walk

Once there was a reindeer
Tasseled breasts a swinging
Whilst she stumbled down the road
Christmas carol swinging

I wonder what I’ll see this year
Down on ferguslie walk

Pigeons perched on buzzing lights
Enjoying the vibration
And neighbours wandered on their way
To the pub for their libation

We heard the sound of scuffling,

a HO HO HO in Paisley-talk

and then the ring of jingle bells

...down on Ferguslie walk

Hamish leapt and ran to see,

We leaned across the shelf,

Out the window, there was Santa!

brawling with an elf!

Mrs Claus was looking on,
Her bosoms overflowed
Her muffin puff was rosy pink
Above her cameltoe

She’d added near her nipples
A pair pair of twinkling lights
And an awkwardly placed Xmas tree
On her roundly jiggling tights 

Two large dogs were wearing antlers

one, a snowman's smock

Oh the things you see at Christmas

...down on Ferguslie walk

They were really getting into it

the dogs had joined the throng

a bark! a slap!, a rip! a tear!

Santa wears a thong!!!

It was then I saw the bottle of Buckfast

wrapped in a tartan bow

go flying in the air!

and
      every..
               thing..
                        went..
                                 slow...

The elf leapt left!
Santa right!

The dogs got out of the way!

and down came the Bucky...

              down...

                    down...
                               came the Bucky

which shattered in a spray.

A sudden end to the violence,

Santa and the elf both stunned to silence
the dogs looked on in shock
Mrs Claus let out a squawk!

...down on Ferguslie walk

Painted in a brilliant purple,

they all then wandered off..

leaving a puddle of Buckfast

...down on Ferguslie walk

In the distance, for a brief spell
We could hear the Mrs give holy hell
Scalding pointed ears
And pulling sticky beards

Then all was calm,
this silent night

(Except the buzzing of the lights)

to enjoy some Buckfast Christmas cheer

...down on Ferguslie walk!

December 2011